Don’t brand me as a hypocrite just yet. I haven’t changed my mind about being a lactivist/breastfeeding advocate, and yes, I know that “Breastfeeding is best for babies up to two years and beyond”, and my son is just about to turn 10 months old this Oct. 26. I honestly want to breastfeed my little one “up to two years and beyond”. But I may not be able to.
I admit that the prospect of breastfeeding up to two years and beyond scared me, as it means:
- Unattractive nursing bras and possibly unfashionable blouses with front buttons eternally
- Zero alcohol and almost zero caffeine even during night-outs
- Expected interrupted activities (when I’m finally in my work mojo, then I’d be interrupted)
- No hair (no hair color, digi perm, rebond, etc.) and skin (although I’m not very keen on this) treatments
But I love my son so much that I’ve accepted this fate…I told myself that if that is what should be done, I’ll grin and bear it. Until…
- My baby’s pedia hinted that I may wean when baby is one year old
(Me: Kala ko po ba Doc “Breastmilk is best for babies up to two years and beyond”?
Pedia: Best, pero hindi naman sinabing dapat talagang paabutin ng two years. ‘Pag malakas nang kumain pwede nang i-stop kung gusto mo.)
- I started feeling that I look like crap and would want to do something to my hair
- Because of #2, I started feeling old and got very interested when I saw Jinkee Pacquiao’s Belo Nutraceuticals Gluta + Collagen capsules ad (I realized I should start worrying about my face getting old as I am [gulp!] nearing my 30’s)
But then these reasons made me feel guilty, as they are shallow, selfish reasons. I told myself that I should just be patient and stop thinking about looking good for a while and just think about my son. Until….
- I discovered that I may have diabetes insipidus (well, it isn’t final yet as I’ve yet to undergo an MRI) and need to take hormone-replacement meds that has no definite conclusion on whether it’s OK for breastfeeding mothers.
Actually, nothing bad will happen to me if I don’t take the med–the meds are just to help me control my excessive thirst and frequent urination. So when I am just at home or when I can afford to be masipag and simply go to the toilet and gulp gallons of water about 3x/hour, I may skip the meds. Actually, that’s what I’ve been doing until it got to the point that I’m already losing too much sleep because I have to wake up to pee up to 5x between 12mn-6am, then after peeing I’d have to hydrate my super parched throat (I consume about 2-3 liters of water within the same timeframe). Going out is also a chore for me, because I have to make frequent trips to the bathroom and need to have bottles of water with me all the time. And because of my dehydration, my breasts are left with too little milk. It was then that I realized that my sacrifice in not taking meds to breastfeed my son is futile, as I don’t produce enough milk anyway because of my DI. Thus, I decided to wean my baby.
Today is the first day of my weaning—the last time he fed from me was at 10 p.m. last night. After his feeding, I drank my Minirin
(DI med) and prepared his bottle. When he stirred at around 12 mn, I just gave him his bottle and he sucked for a while and then fell right back to sleep. But at around 3 a.m. when he stirred and I gave him his bottle, he rejected it and was “looking” for my breast with his eyes closed. He kept moving his head and opening his mouth in his quest to find his familiar, comforting security blanket. I was so tempted to let him feed from me, but I don’t want to take chances with the medicine and my son.
While in the middle of writing this blog entry, I went to see my son. When I smelled him and cradled him in my arms, I was again tempted to breastfeed him especially now that I feel my breasts are filled with milk (the irony is that the medicine fills my breasts with milk BUT I can’t feed him because of the medicine). Forget the hair treatments and the Belo gluta + collagen: I want to feed my son! I’ m sure I would miss having him so near me and getting his nourishment from me. I am already missing the way he would nip at me and then I would shout, “Ouch Raviv!” and then he would unlatch and laugh at me.
Right now, I’n just hoping that I don’t have DI and that the reason for my excessive thirst and frequent urination is something psychological so that I don’t have to take meds (which is so expensive by the way—P87 per tablet! And if I do have DI, I have to take one everyday for the rest of my life). I swear that by next week, I would have already undergone an MRI. I pray that I don’t have DI so I can continue enjoying breastfeeding my son.
I realize now that it may be even more difficult for me to wean myself from my breastfeeding my son than for him to wean from my breastmilk. 😦